Mersault, You Have A Brother.

 I remember reading a book on Absurdism this summer. It was far more advanced than I was ready for, but it still served as a good introduction to my understanding of humanity. Sometimes, I pace around my room, listening to any sort of music that I can find, and I just… actively imagine a story taking place in some far… distant… land. 

My mother calls it daydreaming, and my father says I’m practically deaf, dumb, and blind with my headphone on, but I believe in Carl Jung’s philosophy of active imagination. One day, I’ll write these stories, I’ve always told myself. One day… I’ll… and the thought always trails off, so I remain at the crossroads of intensive discipline to go and write a wonderful story that’s been bubbling in my mind… orrrr… just keep pacing my room, listening to my consciousness slowly drift away into another universe. 

I do this everywhere I go, to the point where it tears me apart. Sometimes, I feel high, like there’s some sort of drug in my system that just rips my mind away from what’s going on… Maybe I’m just tired. But I've never been high, so how would I even feel it? Mersault, you have a brother in me. Schopenhauer’s The World is My Will and Representation gave me so much insight on absurdism and existence… yet I never wanted any of it. All it causes is this throbbing pain in my temples, making a cozy winter turn into a flurry of jagged icicles stuck through my defenseless body. After all, what defense does man have against knowledge?

Is this to say that I would’ve preferred to be unenlightened, and that living a life of ignorance would make me happy? No, I like what I know, for that’s what defines us. In a way, I am Condaide, a man living in seemingly blissful optimism yet crushed by what he sees and experiences. Was I given eyes just to be blind?

I’m walking, talking paradox… No I’m not. I’m a normal human being, with my own thoughts, and my own willpower. When the world is constructed from my perspective, it can also be based off my will, so I shall not sit idly, and let history pass me by!...

Or maybe I’ll just keep listening to the music, and sleep early. After all, I do have a physics test tomorrow…